Funny Answers for Trash Talk You Would Hear at a Chess Match
a guy offered me a draw after every move and I was winning easily.Had his queen
and 3 or 4 other major pieces.It was very annoying.
My best friend had a knife held to his throat and was told he''d better lose. Not very witty...
Funnily enough, trash talking from a stronger player is actually enjoyable. Especially when there's witty sarcasm delivered with the panache of a standup comedian. We've one of those at our local club and some of the classics he's thrown down have been:
- So I see you have a system, not necessarily a good system, but a system.
- whispering like Darth Sideous when it's my turn: "Sac something, you know you want to."
- Oh, is that all the theory you've got? (after I stall and go into a think after blitzing a meager 3 ply's worth in a certain opening)
A good friend of mine, an ex SA champion: Is this a line? I don't think this is a line...
When I play with my friends, I like to throw them off balance with some really stupid things. When I see them calculating a long line I might just say "What the hell happened to my queen" even tho my queen is right in front of me or just the classic, "You silly potatoface". If you can get them to laugh, it's a good sign 
Mock sympathetic pain as soon as your opponent reaches for their peice can be effective. You know, pursing your lips and sucking air through your teeth with your eyebrows furrowed -- also identifiable as the reaction every guy has when he sees another guy take a hit below the belt.
TheGrobe wrote:
Mock sympathetic pain as soon as your opponent reaches for their peice can be effective.
I do this all the time when I'm playing my cousin. 
The great Larry Bird was famous for talking trash to the other team. He would
say, "I'm going to that spot right there and then shoot the 3-pointer and you
can't stop it" and then he would make the shot and then talk trash to the
defender all the way back down the court. "I just made the shot".
I don't know if he plays chess but that's trash talking.
When playing the French ask: "you are taking the piece?"
Or when your opponent plays the French, explaning to him that that's not the real French defense -- it doesn't actually exist in chess since Pawns can't move backwards....
Why knock individuals when you can slur a whole country at once? Very economical.
"Humans, pah! Only two simple eyes!" - a fly
A friend of mine at the chess club (a clinical psychologist and a bit of a trickster) comes out with the following lines during blitz:
"Ah! he knows all the best moves!"
before demonstrating that you know very little.
"There's nothing for it! I'll have to come right away!"
before retreating a piece and setting up a nasty tactic.
If you show any uncertainty he has the unnerving habit of screwing the piece into the board (releasing with a flourish) whilst looking straight into your eyes and saying "there, that's okay.... isn't it?"
I had a sleazy opponent when he was in a worse position started muttering things under his breath when it was my move, and when he was low on time with 4 seconds for two moves he paused the clock and got the TD because I incorrectly copied the notation skipping a move. When the TD was looking for the error in notation between the score sheets my opponent analyzed the position for some 5 minutes. Me relizing my mistake in not complaning earlier was flustered and lost the game 
.
Note: Stand up to poor players and their actions.
I was playing in a match once and not long into it our captain jumped up from his chair waving one of his opponents pieces in the air shouting 'Look lads ive won hie Queen!'
edit .. comments deleted by moderator
apologies to moderator.. I'm new, sorry if I posted something I shouldn't .. but nice topic.
A friend of mine at the club is a bit of an opening theory fanatic, but the younger and lower rated players are mostly unaware of this. When he's playing a skittles game with one of those guys, he likes to go into extremely theoretical lines he's very familiar with while pretending to be hopelessly out of book. He sits at the board with a big pensive frown on his face, and when he sees that his opponent is looking at him, he whips out move twenty-something of whatever obscure sideline they've gotten themselves into; then, after a few seconds he puts on this grand look of terror and amazement. He quickly "composes himself" and shoots a glance at his opponent. The look on their face as they stare at the board, frantically looking for the refutation of the "mistake", is just priceless.
Good Lord, that's malicious.
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Source: https://www.chess.com/forum/view/general/best-trash-talking
One time over the board in a blitz game with this old guy who I didn't know, while I was thinking of my move he started chuckling to himself and said, "He doesn't know what to do! He doesn't know what to do!" Not very clever, but it was irritating as hell. Probably the best I have heard is "I checkmate your mother!"- Ilikeflags came up with that. What were some funny, memorable, or even annoying one liners said to you during a game or perhaps you have some of your own?